So its been some time since I actually sat down to write a blog entry…and the truth is, I’ve been unmotivated. Ever since I was sick in 2013, I feel like life punched me in the stomach and I’ve remained in this perpetual state of breathlessness. Have you ever been punched in the stomach or ever have had the wind knocked out of you? Its that feeling…but its life that has remained standing over me…like a big bully–peering down and waiting for the slightest response.
Sickness is an interesting thing though, because not only does illness affect you physically, but it also can affect you emotionally and spiritually. In fact, anything that stands to change your life (whether it is illness, death, divorce, etc), can leave a lasting impression that can either hurt you or help you make the changes necessary to live differently. Now that I am no longer sick, I find myself in constant self-assessment mode, evaluating myself and all of my life decisions. It doesn’t mean that I’m perfect. Nor does it mean that I’ve remained in a state of debilitating depression, and no longer live life or work. No. LOL Now that I am physically well, I’ve returned to ministry, lead worship occasionally, play guitar and even still write songs. I’ve maintained full time employment, and have continued to travel… Life is a beautiful thing–full of accomplishments and failures, sprinkled with greatness and mistakes–and this is how life is.
Interestingly, over the course of these few years, I’ve paid more careful attention to the way the days have passed and have watched my life virtually tick away before my eyes, like the hand of a clock as it turns second by second–round and round it goes. If you have been through life changing and stunning or shocking events, than what I am describing will probably relate to you more. Nevertheless, life has a funny way of doing something strange to our minds. We have days where we feel beat up. For some, the idea of not being who we were called to be or not accomplishing what we’ve always wanted–can carry the consequence of anxiety. This is because we live in an age where we are taught to be goal-oriented. We are taught that we must achieve certain goals before a certain time, in order to be “successful.” We live in a time where we seek validation and constant reminders of how awesome our lives are…or affirmations about what we think we deserve. We are flooded with narcissistic social media posts of how beautiful we see ourselves and post egotistical catch phrases about pursuing our dreams. I mean, I understand that a positive mind can drive us to attain certain goals; and fleeing negativity may help us avoid the constant barrage of social criticism.
But how do we avoid falling into that trap? The trap of feeling inadequate or unaccomplished?
The answer is we don’t. It is just apart of living.
Listen, the Bible says that “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18 NIV) And while life is beautiful and full of amazing moments and joyful experiences, it is also full of heartache and pain. It is full of gut-wrenching and painstaking days–but with a purpose! You see, God intends that everything that happens in our life to occur with the goal of pointing us to HIM. I realize that cancer is not of God. Death and Divorce is not of God. So many things occur in our lives, happen as a result of our life decisions, and other things appear to be pure happenstance. I mean, no one plans to have cancer. But consider this for a moment; that every thing that happens in life is purposeful.
After I was sick, my life changed completely. In fact, I don’t think things will ever return to what I thought was normal. But I have found that while I am not leading thousands of people in worship, or recording music like I used too. Perhaps I am not taking professional promotions in my career, or pursuing higher education anymore. Maybe I don’t wear the latest clothing, or have the newest car. Maybe I even have a few more gray hairs in my beard and have gained a couple of more pounds–but there is one thing that has not changed. That is the call that God has on my life. It is the same call that God has on your life.
Our call is to be close to God. Our call is to constantly pursue God in our lives. And if there is anything that we must constantly affirm is the truth that God loves us despite our failures and despite our mistakes. That God has carefully designed us and everything that we experience occurs with the intent to make us into the people that God is calling us to be. Even our pain is purposeful. As difficult as it is to understand, we must believe that. For myself personally, I will no longer allow myself to feel inadequate or unaccomplished. In fact, we will experience seasons in our lives–seasons of highs and seasons of lows. In fact, from this day on, I renew my trust in God and despite what others may say or think, the beauty of Christ is the ability to be renewed daily and constantly. Believe that over your life as well.
Lord, I trust You. I trust that what you have allowed in my life is with a purpose. I trust that whatever happens in my life, first passes through your hand, and nothing occurs without your fore-knowledge. I trust that even in my mistakes and in my failures, that there is a plan. May my heart and mind remain focused on you; and may your blessings come to my life, not because of merit, not because of what I deserve–but simply because you love me. Thank you Lord. I trust You In your name I pray. Amen.
Henry Martyn 